I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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