I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Randomize
