It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
