My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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