I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
