When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
