Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
