just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
