Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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