I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Randomize
