Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
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