I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
