My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
