Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Never underestimate the power of titties
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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