Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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