sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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