She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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