he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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