I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
if only i could text you this smell
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
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