You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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