i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
