you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
