Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Randomize
