Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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