nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
