My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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