I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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