I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
