Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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