Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
