the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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