I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
It's rum buckets o'clock
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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