i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
