Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
