i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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