dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
