thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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