I didn't shave. On purpose
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Randomize
