my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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