He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
So. Much. Porn.
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