I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
