I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
