i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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