It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
