I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
