you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
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