You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
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