How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Randomize
