dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
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