There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
