I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
