Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
