next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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